Bending the facts

Denis Van Outen compared to brick.

It seems the world is a dour place right now; and in the run up to Christmas when any good cheer is a bonus, what with the prospect of another drunken orgy of self debasement and a visit to aunty Maud is on the cards, here's a little something to lighten those dark winter days. (And if this last paragraph doesn't give Lindsey Lohan a run for her money I don't know what will).

The Glastonbury lay lines appear to be having an affect on the locals. An estate called Julian Bending is currently laying claim to be the worlds first honest estate agent. Now I'm not calling all estate agents liars but letâ??s face it theyâ??re not known for bending the facts towards honesty. Indeed a ball bent around the wall of truth into the goal of honesty is considered something of an own goal by most estate agents.

Our crusading knight of truth has forsaken the usual "ideal for d.i.y enthusiast with small family" for the more accurate : "All the charm and poise of a vicar on crack. Hall, cloak room, sitting room, kitchen, bathroom, parking and rear courtyard garden. Suit midget on a budget."

To which the local diocese spokesman responded: "We don't need crack to get high. We're reaching for the heavens by spiritual means."

Other sellars have had their properties described variously as "wonderfully grubby", "overlooking hairy-a***d builders", "would suit witch" and "It's difficult to imagine a more disgusting house ".

However, not all of Mr Bending's properties are so disparagingly remarked upon, he describes one cottage as : 'An absolute stunner - if this cottage was a woman it would be Denise Van Outen in a rubber suit holding a cold flannel.'

No I have no idea what the cold flannel is for either!

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